I was hoping that when I got home, you would be here. For if you were, standing here, wanting to hug me, tell me everything is going to be alright, it would let me know that you feel we are worth making an effort for. We rode home in silence, so much I wanted to say but no longer feel I can share my own feelings anymore. So much is left unspoken, even nice things. Your mom told me I looked nice, that she liked my hair. Susan commented that I looked nice and that my nails were pretty. But you didn’t seem to notice me. Twice, I made intimate advances, once in conversation of what I was wearing and once directly to your hand. No real response to the first,(so I then made a joke) and with the second, you handed it back… sometimes words are not needed to convey feelings. You even played the song the other day, "You Say it Best When You Say Nothing at All". Unfortunately no words speak clearly in ways other than the song refers to.

I told you I was trying and you asked "trying what?" Part of my answer was “that you matter” I did not mean just to me. That YOU really matter in life everyday. It breaks my heart that you are shutting out all the positive changes you have made over the past two years and it was when you started to shut them out that the depression came back to attempt to overtake everything. I want so badly to tell you to not let it, to fight it, to fight for us, more importantly to fight for you. I want to remind you and know you will take it in open mindedly, to be strong in the Lord, never give up hope. I have always known you are going to do great things. Don’t live life in fear and everyday that you are here take some time and pray, thank God everyday, love will find a way if you believe. But I am not strong enough to say it outloud to you. I fear the door shutting from you tighter when I do make reference to having faith and holding on. One more negative emotion taking hold and stealing from us.

I sat, like an idiot in the car after you kissed me on the head and walked away, without a glance back. I don't know if I sat there wanting to matter enough to you for you to ask why my feelings were hurt, for you to be interested enough to want to talk to me like you used ti, or if I was sitting there afraid to leave not sure if I would be gone once I left. I even let you know, i know not is so many words, that I was still there. Maybe not clearly enough to convey that I was still there, believing I would matter enough for you to want to be there for me when I was hurting. I have tried to be there for you the past two years, more over the past 6 months. Asking how you are, why you feel that way, ready to listen and I have heard you tell me there is no us but have not wanted to believe it.

I was hoping when I got home, you would be here. But you weren’t.