Hi Chad,

I have been trying very hard to understand what is going on and to be of some help, or at least to not make it worse. The most communications I have received from you has been in an email that you sent me when you went to be by yourself one night so I thought maybe I would try an email. Seems talking or trying to spend time together is not working.

Ever since May things have been different, distant, disappearing. I know that is when the depression came back with a vengeance. I know that taking way too many hours T school this summer after a full load in the Spring burned you out and there was little time for a break to recoup and start this Fall. I understand feeling disillusioned and rejected by what happened at the church but being told by a third party that someone is holding a grudge and then you hanging on to the negativity of the situation is like holding a grudge yourself and not helpful. Especially when there are numerous positive people, events, and feelings that came out of that part of your life and makes no sense. It is hurtful to you to cut out all the good things that far out multiply that one person.

I have apologized many times for being a pain and hurtful the night I brought you the phones. But after being stood up a few times, left out of what is going on in your life, head, heart it finally got to me and once again I felt looked over and pushed away when I did not feel that I had done anything to deserve it at the time. No I did not understand that working at the shop was a "real job" for you. That was because I heard you complain about not having any money and watching you become more and more depressed by your financial situation, that working so many hours that it took you away from school work, took you away from doing things with your family (and yes I consider us a family. I got that idea from you and through time trusted it) but did not alleviate your financial issues did not make sense to me. I understand better now that you were working to earn work on your bike, discounts on parts etc. which is great, but I have not seen it lessen your stress, actually add to it.

I should not have acted the way I did that night and feel I am still paying for it months later. I recognize how stupid it was to drive away that night and do a feeble phone call. I guess I wanted you to show me that our relationship was important to you. An immature test I gave to you but failed myself. Your words have been clear about us and I have not wanted to hear them. You were trying to tell me that that night was breaking point for you and made you feel that you did not want to be in a committed relationship. That you did not want a girlfriend or specifically me as a girlfriend. I am not sure if you were telling me that to let you me those feelings had crept in on you and you wanted to share that with me or if you were telling me that this is really how you felt and were trying to act on it. The honesty was brutal but I did not want to hear it and I have stuck around continuing to make you have a relationship with me and I am sorry for adding to your stress. I have not wanted to do that but to actually lessen it and show you how much you are loved and what an amazing man you are. But you can't make people see what you want them to see. What you need is not about me or what I want you to need.

Since then you have let me know in various words and subtle actions that you don't want this relationship and I have not wanted to recognize them. I know you say it is not me. I do know that what you do not need is someone else you feel that you have disappointed or hurt and I think that is what you see now, every time you look at me. I can only guess that lessening the time you have to look at me helps you not feel that way so much which is why you have diminished the amount of contact and time together we would have normally spent. Or maybe I am being too kind to myself and not wanting to see the reality that the feelings of wanting to get married, or closeness that we had has burned out for you, that we are over, and you are trying to be kind and hang in there until you move and let the distance make it fade away naturally. I do not know. I have always thought you were a very kind person but what is happening now just hurts. Not that you need or want to hear that.

I find that I often say the wrong thing and our text conversations stop. It is like ignoring something there is no desire to deal with in hopes it will just go away. Neither of us like to talk on the phone so we avoid it. The time that I want to spend with you and do things together, I do not know if I am intruding to ask and I am getting afraid to ask for fear of being rejected. I completely understand wanting to have time to yourself or not wanting to burden other people with how you are feeling right now. But I love you and look at our relationship as if we really were going to be married ... for better or worse, I would not disappear when things got tough. I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want or need from me if anything. I have tried to talk about things. I know that sharing how I feel will not make you feel better and I fear make you feel worse (which is not my intent). I don't know if you are being the marter pulling away from me in hopes that I will get "fed up" and leave because you think I deserve someone better. I know I look at you and tell you I love you and you say it back in a silly voice and when I try to tell you that I really do love you, you seem uncomfortable. I hear you when you say that you are not in a good place mentally right now. I don't know what to do for you if anything, but I try and want to because I love you. I am sorry if I am not a good listener.

I have tried to share my feelings with you. I have tried to make this writing not come across as though I am attacking you, blaming you, or anything of the sort so please know it is not meant to make you feel worse. I don't know what you want but I don't think it is me anymore and I am not sure what I have done. I am not trying to make this about me. Maybe it is just the depression and as the commercial says, depression hurts more than just you. This is probably not helpful for you to read and I am sorry (which is why I will probably just stick it in a bottle and throw it out to sea.) I don't know what you need and I am so afraid that I am exactly what you don't need .. afraid that I make you feel that you have disappointed someone else, that you have let someone down, that you have hurt someone again. YOU have not, the fears that the depression is giving you have caused you to act in some of those ways ... pulling way, limiting time together, not communicating. I want to spend time together. I want to watch our Friday night shows. I want to spend our typical Saturday Nights and Sundays together. Our Wednesday Night dates. But I have not asked about them because I do not know if you do and think if you did, you would let me know you did. Maybe you think I would let you know I do but I haven't because I feel like I have pushed myself on you enough, let you know I am here, available to you that if you were up to it, depending on how you are feeling you know I am here and want to be with you

So I leave it at that. I love you. I am here. I want to be good things for you not bad. As they say, ball is in your court. Wish we were playing mixed doubles instead of on opposite sides of the net. Of course, I have never very good at tennis (or mixed teams) .... guess the score says it all... love 0 for me. I hope not always. I am borrowing your word . . . I will continue to have hope.

Believe n Hope
Beth