2 questions that hurt March 1, 2005

Several times you have mentioned to me that I asked 2 questions that you did not need. "What if we were pregnant?" and "Do you think we will get divorced?" I have responded each time with sincere apologies for being so cavalier as to jokingly ask those questions because I was so sure. I was so sure that I would never cheat on you. I knew without a doubt that I would not get pregnant by anyone but you, because I would not be intimate with anyone but you while we were both committed to our marriage and relationship. I knew I was late with my period. I knew I had not been with any man but you since December 9th, 2000 and I knew the only way I could possibly be pregnant was your vasectomy did not take completely. I did not take into effect that you even having the vasectomy was a very personal decision made by you (us) and not made very lightly. Your vasectomy, I believe was harder on me than on you emotionally. I had said to you that, "choosing to not have anymore children was different than not being able to have anymore."
I knew without a doubt that I did not wanted to get divorced again. It is a failure I did not want to live through or make our children live through ever again and I more than anything wanted McKenna to be told the truth each time we told her her parents would always be together. That she would not have to live through a broken family. I was sure. And when I told you Sunday and the other times you asked me about those questions, I was sure my answer was right.
I have thought about it very intently since then and how Dr. Crosscope had said to you that when people make comments like that, it is to ease their own conscience. Well, she and I are both wrong. Looking back, I did ask those questions for a reason and I was not as sure as I thought I had been. I was looking for you to reassure me about not being able to have children anymore. I know that physically I can and I know that realistically I do not want to have anymore. I am happy and overwhelmed with the four we have. But just knowing that I definitely will not experience the miracle of being pregnant again (and you know how I enjoyed being pregnant) was something I needed your reassurance to help me feel OK about. Assurance that our family and I were enough. We needed nothing else. I also know now that I needed your assurance that you knew we would not get divorced. I was not looking to ease my conscience with either question. I was looking to my best friend to tell me he felt the same way I did and that we were OK. But you can’t read my mind, and looking back at it now, I was unsure of why I was spewing out such insensitive questions. I should have just asked you for what I needed instead of hiding behind false securities.
I am sorry that it made you question and doubt me and our relationship so much that you could not be forthcoming with me to ask directly what you needed either.