Hey Chad,

We had, for lack of a better word, an interesting IM conversation tonight. I remember when you used to get online waiting, wanting to find me there and we would talk, or play a game. We would talk each night before going to sleep. Even the nights that you were working and jobs kept you out late, you would text me "good night beautiful" every night without fail. Throughout the day I would get a text asking about my day, saying hello that you were thinking of me, telling me you finished one job and were off to another. Sometimes just odd things you saw and wanted to share with me during your travels for work ... a giraffe on 33 or in people's homes, odd signs or cars. It was like you were reaching out to touch me, let me know I was important and a part of your day. It did not matter what it was you sharing, I was so pleased to hear from you and that it was me you wanted to share things with. Most of the time, I was stuck in a concrete box with a flat roof surrounded by short people ...

But this conversation, even though the first we have had in a long while, was not the sharing or game playing we once participated in each night. I meant it when I said I was not trying to make you feel guilty and can understand when you say you do so much. I have to wonder though is it really me that is doing something to make you feel guilty, words, actions what have you, or the fact that you recognize that you are not involved in our daily lives like you once were and are not a part of this relationship that maybe you know you really have disappeared somewhat. I meant it when I said I love you, I am here for you and I believe in you. But I recognize the need for you to figure out what you want and as much as it hurts to leave you be to do that on your own it is something I must do for you. Sometimes to keep it together, you have to leave it alone.

It is almost like a relief temporarily. Sometimes the hardest part of about making a decision is the decision but once it is made, what to do next offers direction and what to do. Giving you the time to figure out what you want offers me direction. Not one I want, as in not being able to be with you , share with you but this I know. Seeing one day and then not knowing if I am going to hear from you for days later is unknown. I don't want to push you, I don't want to "schedule" us. I just want to know and for now, being alone I know.