Written 02/02/06


Aaron,
I understand not wanting to have to pay someone back. I know you do not want things to be this way, but it is the life you chose. In spite of everything I am still willing to work with you. I understand that it is difficult to not be distracted by that pesky mosquito that is buzzing around your head when you are trying to do other things, and I realize you can not get blood from a stone, (yes here it is the big BUT) BUT... Aaron you are tearing yourself, your kids and the people who love you apart and for what? Centering your happiness and life around money is getting you nowhere. I know you do not want to hear this and I am not kicking you when you are down. On the contrary, I have offered tools and support all along, it is up to you what you choose to do with them as anything that you have or might have access to. Love does not cost a dime. Let people in to care, you do not always have to do it alone even though that is what you are used to. And ask yourself where has it really gotten you anyway? If you continue like you are, running away, blaming others, hiding from responsibility, you will continue to hate yourself. It won't get better, it hasn't gotten better in the past year +. Forget me, forget our marriage, our child and our family .... this is about you and I do not want to see you do this to yourself. Stop hurting yourself and spiraling downward. There is more to life than money. And you do not keep yourself from being hurt or hurting others by denying yourself connectedness.
I do not expect a response from this, we have not ever really "TALKED" about what is going on since the day you chose to not try to be a family you once committed yourself to. We hide from confrontation and try to burry it but it does not work. You have chosen to turn away from commitment, responsibility, and love and focus on yourself and money. You can blame me for being mean by writing this, I do not mean it to be, it is out of concern for you and love for Katie, Chris and McKenna. I told you many people have abandoned you, I think even you have to some extent, but I won't and you called me crazy.
Find help Aaron, walk into your local church, contact a Cindy see if there are counseling services at no charge through some facility with her or with someone else. Money does not buy happiness. Your children are your future and they need you and love you whether you owe or don't owe anyone. But they will feel abandoned as you did when you were a child each time money gets in the way of being with their Daddy.
I will listen to your response if you want to share one or anything else.
I still believe in you.
Crazy (Beth)