Written 3/24/2005

Being a victim:

As a child, I understand you were a victim of your mother’s death. I understand you were a victim of your father’s selfishness. You were a victim of a wife’s infidelity, lies, manipulations, demands etc. You learned the victim part well. You have said I treated you badly. The two years married to me were worse than the 14 married to Sue. Why? Because I am actually your equal? Because you did not marry someone you deemed beneath you this time. Because instead of making demands and threats I shared with you my feelings? I let you know when I felt disappointed. Did I put an unwanted mirror to your face where you recognized your own shortcomings? You felt as though I was attacking you, that I was down on you, that you needed to be defensive and needed to escape. What was it I was really saying? What was it you were really hearing? Why the immediate defense someone who wanted to be on your side?
You were angry that Sue told your Aunt Karen and Uncle Jim about the problems you were having. I asked you several times, who else do they have to listen to? They "took her side" and you felt victimized. Your own blood did not understand you and blindly side with you. You felt you were left abandoned and the victim.
I remember one really bad time, where you wanted to annul our marriage shortly before we had been married a year and you were so upset that I thought you were worthless. You yelled at me about how your Dad and Sandy called you worthless. That Sue called you worthless. You yelled and cursed so much that Alyssa called my Mom to come and get her because she was scared. The whole argument stemmed from my waking you up to ask you something and then tell you I was disappointed in the fact that you said you would help me but you didn’t. We established the fact that I was wrong for waking you up but the whole molehill took a quick defensive mountain turn. What did I say? What did you hear? Who’s voice was echoing in your head? Who had victimized you into thinking you were worthless?
Sue took you back to court for not following the legal document you both signed. Granted it was a bad document. It was a bad choice to sign it and she manipulated you using the children to get you to sign it. But reality was, you signed it and must by law follow it. Again, you felt the victim.
The economy is bad. Jobs are being lost. You were laid off, twice. Again you felt the victim. I offered you a place to live. A house I was purchasing with a down payment from my mom. I did not ask you to help with bills. There was no need to complain because bills were getting paid. But your money went to Sue to pay her off. You could not provide as you would like to our house. Soon it was evident to you that this was not your house. You had no space in it that was yours. You were not, as you put it, "the master of your own home". Why? Why was it easier to be the victim instead of the equal?
I need to tell Alyssa’s father of your decision and I want to let you know. The response I received was, "Everyone else knows and is poisoned against me. Why not him too" You feel victimized.
McKenna and I have an accident. A friend asks you to come for your daughter but feels she has made a mistake and is distraught at the response she receives. You attempt to come but are told it is handled. When this decision is questioned or looked at in a negative light, you become the victim.
I have a concussion and am saddened by your lack of interest in our daughter. I chose not to talk to you at the time you call, but when I do not return you call, I have "blown you off" and you are the victim.
David comes to my house to look after me, he is not available as the party buddy and expresses his concern that you did not come to see McKenna, I do not know what transpired between you and he. I do not ask but it must have been something considering you feel you, "can not count on your friendship with David after what happened that weekend."
I tell you Caleb is upset at your actions and does not understand. You become angry questoning "how can he be mad at me, he has not even talked to me." True, but he knows what has happened, has an initial opinion and has heard nothing from you. But you are the victim.
Kenny is bewildered that you are not at Uncle Jim’s funeral. He does not accept the excuse of "my tires are bald and I have no money." He then finds out you have left our marriage and does not understand or agree. You feel you have no family, stating, "I never have and never will." – victim.
Jennifer writes expressing her sadness that you were not at her father’s funeral. She does not attack you; she asks pointed questions and is clear in her feelings. You do not know what to write because your initial reaction is negative.
You write to Alyssa expressing your fatherly love for her and that you are there for her to email or call anytime. She opens her heart to you, is honest in her feelings and how she sees your leaving our family. She suggested that you two start over. She ends her email with a statement of being open and honest with each other to rebuild the relationship and now the two of you can start. She receives no reply or any communication at all. Who is the victim?
How much are you going to deprive of yourself continuing to be the victim? How much are you going to deprive of your children?