Dear Chad,

I continue to not understand what is happening. You say you love me and that we don't spend enough time together or that things are better when we do take the time together and talk but you don't spend time with me. Well, not unless I push myself on you, go drag you out, make plans for us. Not unless I do it. It would be nice if you would initiate something. Let me know our relationship is still important to you. I don't know. I still feel that since you are leaving in a month or so, you are just killing time waiting until you are gone and then you can just let the distance naturally make "us" disappear. The Chad I know and believe in is such a kind person. Caring, considerate, thoughtful, loving, and I miss him. The depression has stolen you away and replaced a distant, selfish, negative shell. What am I supposed to do with the empty days both McKenna and I want to spend with you but you say it is too much, too scheduled. What am I supposed to do with the idea that you have said over and over that you don't want to make it to Phoenix that is why you are driving alone not wanting me to go with you. I understand that you want to do this on your own. I understand that you need to prove something to yourself. It is hard for me not to jump in and help when people I love are in need but I recognize you have to do this on your own, whatever this is. What am I supposed to do with the silence I receive when I ask about you being online or text messages from other women on your phone? I know you say you are not talking to anyone, not even me but it is said seemingly with no recognition that there is anything hurtful about that. No sense of apology when you don't contact us for days, or make plans but don't show up for hours, or just ignore contact like you don't want to deal with us.

I don't know what to do with that so I write it down here, like a message in a bottle and toss it out to the virtual sea knowing you will never read it, not know how I feel and I do that to not add anything more to your issues right now but attempt to "tell" you anyway even though, it is only here. Guess it is kindof pathetic for me to write to a you that will never read it, but it is you I talk to, or want to talk to , you I share or want to share everything with, you I want to love and be with ... but I know I can't.