Hey Chad,

We had, for lack of a better word, an interesting IM conversation tonight. I remember when you used to get online waiting, wanting to find me there and we would talk, or play a game. We would talk each night before going to sleep. Even the nights that you were working and jobs kept you out late, you would text me "good night beautiful" every night without fail. Throughout the day I would get a text asking about my day, saying hello that you were thinking of me, telling me you finished one job and were off to another. Sometimes just odd things you saw and wanted to share with me during your travels for work ... a giraffe on 33 or in people's homes, odd signs or cars. It was like you were reaching out to touch me, let me know I was important and a part of your day. It did not matter what it was you sharing, I was so pleased to hear from you and that it was me you wanted to share things with. Most of the time, I was stuck in a concrete box with a flat roof surrounded by short people ...

But this conversation, even though the first we have had in a long while, was not the sharing or game playing we once participated in each night. I meant it when I said I was not trying to make you feel guilty and can understand when you say you do so much. I have to wonder though is it really me that is doing something to make you feel guilty, words, actions what have you, or the fact that you recognize that you are not involved in our daily lives like you once were and are not a part of this relationship that maybe you know you really have disappeared somewhat. I meant it when I said I love you, I am here for you and I believe in you. But I recognize the need for you to figure out what you want and as much as it hurts to leave you be to do that on your own it is something I must do for you. Sometimes to keep it together, you have to leave it alone.

It is almost like a relief temporarily. Sometimes the hardest part of about making a decision is the decision but once it is made, what to do next offers direction and what to do. Giving you the time to figure out what you want offers me direction. Not one I want, as in not being able to be with you , share with you but this I know. Seeing one day and then not knowing if I am going to hear from you for days later is unknown. I don't want to push you, I don't want to "schedule" us. I just want to know and for now, being alone I know.

Dear Chad,

I continue to not understand what is happening. You say you love me and that we don't spend enough time together or that things are better when we do take the time together and talk but you don't spend time with me. Well, not unless I push myself on you, go drag you out, make plans for us. Not unless I do it. It would be nice if you would initiate something. Let me know our relationship is still important to you. I don't know. I still feel that since you are leaving in a month or so, you are just killing time waiting until you are gone and then you can just let the distance naturally make "us" disappear. The Chad I know and believe in is such a kind person. Caring, considerate, thoughtful, loving, and I miss him. The depression has stolen you away and replaced a distant, selfish, negative shell. What am I supposed to do with the empty days both McKenna and I want to spend with you but you say it is too much, too scheduled. What am I supposed to do with the idea that you have said over and over that you don't want to make it to Phoenix that is why you are driving alone not wanting me to go with you. I understand that you want to do this on your own. I understand that you need to prove something to yourself. It is hard for me not to jump in and help when people I love are in need but I recognize you have to do this on your own, whatever this is. What am I supposed to do with the silence I receive when I ask about you being online or text messages from other women on your phone? I know you say you are not talking to anyone, not even me but it is said seemingly with no recognition that there is anything hurtful about that. No sense of apology when you don't contact us for days, or make plans but don't show up for hours, or just ignore contact like you don't want to deal with us.

I don't know what to do with that so I write it down here, like a message in a bottle and toss it out to the virtual sea knowing you will never read it, not know how I feel and I do that to not add anything more to your issues right now but attempt to "tell" you anyway even though, it is only here. Guess it is kindof pathetic for me to write to a you that will never read it, but it is you I talk to, or want to talk to , you I share or want to share everything with, you I want to love and be with ... but I know I can't.

Dear Chad,
How is holding a grudge about someone holding a grudge ever going to make a person free? That question comes to mind a lot for me especially when I think of what I want in my life and for the girls and it is the main barrier that makes me think I am not going to get it. It is the question that surfaces many times in the sea of things I do not understand right now. And I am left in the silence of no communication with just questions rattling around in my head.

In addition to the questions, songs pop up all the time. East to West, Voice of Truth, Slow Fade,(funny all Casting Crown songs).I hear them on the radio often, more than usual. Is He trying to tell me something? But then again, in my own head I keep hearing a different song. While my heart is saddened by a grudge that pulls you away from true freedom leaving me to think I won't get what I hope for and yet I hear this in my head.

I need a sign to let me know you're here
All of these lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
I need to know that things are gonna look up
'Cause I feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

When there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
When you feel the world shake from the words that are said

And I'm calling all angels
I'm calling all you angels

I won't give up if you don't give up

I need a sign to let me know you're here
'Cause my TV set just keeps it all from being clear
I want a reason for the way things have to be
I need a hand to help build up some kind of hope inside of me

What does it mean when stuff gets stuck like that or pops up so often? I think I need a sign from you but maybe He is telling me to rely on Him and to leave you to Him. Discernment has never come easy to me.

Hi Chad,

I have been trying very hard to understand what is going on and to be of some help, or at least to not make it worse. The most communications I have received from you has been in an email that you sent me when you went to be by yourself one night so I thought maybe I would try an email. Seems talking or trying to spend time together is not working.

Ever since May things have been different, distant, disappearing. I know that is when the depression came back with a vengeance. I know that taking way too many hours T school this summer after a full load in the Spring burned you out and there was little time for a break to recoup and start this Fall. I understand feeling disillusioned and rejected by what happened at the church but being told by a third party that someone is holding a grudge and then you hanging on to the negativity of the situation is like holding a grudge yourself and not helpful. Especially when there are numerous positive people, events, and feelings that came out of that part of your life and makes no sense. It is hurtful to you to cut out all the good things that far out multiply that one person.

I have apologized many times for being a pain and hurtful the night I brought you the phones. But after being stood up a few times, left out of what is going on in your life, head, heart it finally got to me and once again I felt looked over and pushed away when I did not feel that I had done anything to deserve it at the time. No I did not understand that working at the shop was a "real job" for you. That was because I heard you complain about not having any money and watching you become more and more depressed by your financial situation, that working so many hours that it took you away from school work, took you away from doing things with your family (and yes I consider us a family. I got that idea from you and through time trusted it) but did not alleviate your financial issues did not make sense to me. I understand better now that you were working to earn work on your bike, discounts on parts etc. which is great, but I have not seen it lessen your stress, actually add to it.

I should not have acted the way I did that night and feel I am still paying for it months later. I recognize how stupid it was to drive away that night and do a feeble phone call. I guess I wanted you to show me that our relationship was important to you. An immature test I gave to you but failed myself. Your words have been clear about us and I have not wanted to hear them. You were trying to tell me that that night was breaking point for you and made you feel that you did not want to be in a committed relationship. That you did not want a girlfriend or specifically me as a girlfriend. I am not sure if you were telling me that to let you me those feelings had crept in on you and you wanted to share that with me or if you were telling me that this is really how you felt and were trying to act on it. The honesty was brutal but I did not want to hear it and I have stuck around continuing to make you have a relationship with me and I am sorry for adding to your stress. I have not wanted to do that but to actually lessen it and show you how much you are loved and what an amazing man you are. But you can't make people see what you want them to see. What you need is not about me or what I want you to need.

Since then you have let me know in various words and subtle actions that you don't want this relationship and I have not wanted to recognize them. I know you say it is not me. I do know that what you do not need is someone else you feel that you have disappointed or hurt and I think that is what you see now, every time you look at me. I can only guess that lessening the time you have to look at me helps you not feel that way so much which is why you have diminished the amount of contact and time together we would have normally spent. Or maybe I am being too kind to myself and not wanting to see the reality that the feelings of wanting to get married, or closeness that we had has burned out for you, that we are over, and you are trying to be kind and hang in there until you move and let the distance make it fade away naturally. I do not know. I have always thought you were a very kind person but what is happening now just hurts. Not that you need or want to hear that.

I find that I often say the wrong thing and our text conversations stop. It is like ignoring something there is no desire to deal with in hopes it will just go away. Neither of us like to talk on the phone so we avoid it. The time that I want to spend with you and do things together, I do not know if I am intruding to ask and I am getting afraid to ask for fear of being rejected. I completely understand wanting to have time to yourself or not wanting to burden other people with how you are feeling right now. But I love you and look at our relationship as if we really were going to be married ... for better or worse, I would not disappear when things got tough. I don't know what to do. I don't know what you want or need from me if anything. I have tried to talk about things. I know that sharing how I feel will not make you feel better and I fear make you feel worse (which is not my intent). I don't know if you are being the marter pulling away from me in hopes that I will get "fed up" and leave because you think I deserve someone better. I know I look at you and tell you I love you and you say it back in a silly voice and when I try to tell you that I really do love you, you seem uncomfortable. I hear you when you say that you are not in a good place mentally right now. I don't know what to do for you if anything, but I try and want to because I love you. I am sorry if I am not a good listener.

I have tried to share my feelings with you. I have tried to make this writing not come across as though I am attacking you, blaming you, or anything of the sort so please know it is not meant to make you feel worse. I don't know what you want but I don't think it is me anymore and I am not sure what I have done. I am not trying to make this about me. Maybe it is just the depression and as the commercial says, depression hurts more than just you. This is probably not helpful for you to read and I am sorry (which is why I will probably just stick it in a bottle and throw it out to sea.) I don't know what you need and I am so afraid that I am exactly what you don't need .. afraid that I make you feel that you have disappointed someone else, that you have let someone down, that you have hurt someone again. YOU have not, the fears that the depression is giving you have caused you to act in some of those ways ... pulling way, limiting time together, not communicating. I want to spend time together. I want to watch our Friday night shows. I want to spend our typical Saturday Nights and Sundays together. Our Wednesday Night dates. But I have not asked about them because I do not know if you do and think if you did, you would let me know you did. Maybe you think I would let you know I do but I haven't because I feel like I have pushed myself on you enough, let you know I am here, available to you that if you were up to it, depending on how you are feeling you know I am here and want to be with you

So I leave it at that. I love you. I am here. I want to be good things for you not bad. As they say, ball is in your court. Wish we were playing mixed doubles instead of on opposite sides of the net. Of course, I have never very good at tennis (or mixed teams) .... guess the score says it all... love 0 for me. I hope not always. I am borrowing your word . . . I will continue to have hope.

Believe n Hope
Beth