Why don't I ever learn? Why don't I ever see red flags and when I do, why don't I ever heed them? All the way back to when I first introduce my daughter to you, letting you in, and you have Lori in your bed when you thought I couldn't be. Or when I tell you honestly, that as much as it breaks my heart to do so, I need to not see you anymore and spend all my time focused on Alyssa (and you know the reason why). And you got on AFF to fill the void. At least you were honest about it that time when you showed up in my yard to tell me you missed me and did not want to lose me. Months go by and communication decreases. I get stood up for dates. I get put off. And one fight, one time I actually allow myself to be angry about being treated badly, it is right back to AFF. I apologize for my snap behavior out of anger and hurt. Although this time, you get caught. I find the AFF connection by accident. What happens? You put passwords on your computer, you never apologize and actually tell me it is my fault you got on it again. You complain that you have no money yet you purchase a membership on AFF. PURCHASE. I try to share with you how that hurts me and it is dismissed. I don't think you really understand how much the gold necklace with the Unk means to me or how much it meant to me to give it to you. And when, where and how I found that you were not wearing it, how devastating that was. When I burst into tears after noticing it was gone and asking you if it was really over, why did I continue to hang in there even after you said "I think so". And then to see the necklace hanging on the wall, now I don't even know where it is. You asked for time and space so I gave it to you. And would be right there for you each time a "Hello" game across my phone after days of silence. All the while text messages were on your phone from women you have met on AFF continue to come in. When I asked about it, somehow it was my fault.

I feel shut out. Life decisions are made but not made together. Choices are chosen, but not together, miles will be traveled but not together. A new life will be started but not together. Again, I am left behind to clean up the emotional mess my children and I have. When will I learn?

So now you are moving. In just over 12 hours you will leave to go 3000 miles away (when you can do the same program only 600 miles away) but it is to prove something to yourself. To stand on your own to feet, you say. To make something of yourself.
To grow up.

A job, schooling, money does not make you a grown up. It does not matter where you are or if you are alone or near a support group. Becoming a grown up, a man who can stand on his own two feet and have something to offer someone begins by taking responsibility for your choices and acknowledging the consequences those actions have on people close to you. A person can not be selfish and be a good parent or partner. We can go to school all we want, go as far away as we want. Maybe why I don't learn is because I still believe the greatest thing, you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.