I think I am working through the various stages of loss.
At first I was in denial not wanting to face that you had left, even though you were still physically here. Not wanting to hear you when you spoke cold words or your actions spoke louder than words. I have written about various situations where the caring compassionate person that I thought you were became selfish and inconsiderate - and I blamed the depression you were experiencing.
Then I just felt empty and hurt after you left and it felt like you disappeared. Yes, I knew where you were/are but you did not contact us, respond to messages, phone calls, text, etc. It hurt to be neglected and ignored.
Then I started the bargaining. Yes, I can be your friend. Asking you if you loved me. Then sending messages and making comments that eluded to sex (something I fall back on to get attention and you use to feel good about yourself). But it does not work. You were the first person I gave my soul to. The strand of three you believed in, you, me and Christ together... I equalled that by giving my mind, body and soul. Oddly enough it was our time together spiritually as well as intimately that made me realize that I truly loved you. That I felt the oneness that I had always looked for, I felt with you.
I started to feel you and I were a family together one that was safe to include the girls in.
I can handle heartbreak and know where the healing will come from and help is there or me. The girls will have things in their lives they will look forward to and the same healing will be there for them. But the thing that hurts me the most is not that you left, not that you found your days passing by so fast and full that there was not room for us but that you turned your back on God. When your faith was tested, instead of remaining stead fast and building your faith, you gave up. I will walk the steps of loss, the girls will grow in their own lives. Would we prefer to do it with you? Yes but only if you can turn back around. Even if you can, and you do not find yourself in a family with us, I hope you find yourself knowing the only family that will always love you and and never leave you, no matter how many times you turn your back on them is that real strand of three ... father, son and spirit.