I spent a lot of time talking with Lauren tonight. She stood in my kitchen and said over and over again that it was OK to be mad, it is ok to be mad, you have the right to be hurt and mad Beth. He has betrayed you, betrayed your trust, and abandoned the friendship. I have to wonder was she saying it so I would get mad and stop suppressing my feelings while making excuses for you? Or did she really mean it? I think actually the first, well I prefer to think the first as I don’t want our friends to think that of you. We went to get a pizza for the kids because they were hungry and to get me out of the house. I did not want to cry anymore in front of McKenna, she says I cry too much. And I certainly did not want to cry in front of Alyssa. I am afraid she will hold it against you.

Why are you doing this? Why are you ignoring contact I attempt to make? Why are you neglecting me, us, the girls? Your mom says “well he’s not talking to me either” No offense, I told her, but you are his mom. You should want to talk to me. You should want to connect with me, find out what is happening at home, with us, talk to me, hear my voice, tell me you miss me, hear me say I miss you too. That is what people who love each other do when they are apart. But you don’t.

Which naturally leaves me to question if you do love me, the girls, and the idea of having a family together. You said you do. You said you were not disappearing. You said you would never hurt me. Is any of what you said true anymore?

What are you doing? I wish you would tell me. I will listen. Hear you and try to understand. But being ignored and left in the dark hurts and is scary.

I believed you when you told me two years ago this month, that you wanted what I have, a life together, that you would not hurt me that way again. I believed you, believed in you, saw something in you that told me believing in you was right. I trusted you and invited you into my life, the lives of my children, my heart.

Now, you have disappeared from our lives and my heart hurts.