This was our song. You said the words were perfect and how you felt about us. A way of love you had never known before but had always seen when you thought of love and would see my face.

You used to sign things,
Come what may, Always always....



Come What May
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may

Come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you (I love you) until the end of time

Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place

Written 3/24/2005

Being a victim:

As a child, I understand you were a victim of your mother’s death. I understand you were a victim of your father’s selfishness. You were a victim of a wife’s infidelity, lies, manipulations, demands etc. You learned the victim part well. You have said I treated you badly. The two years married to me were worse than the 14 married to Sue. Why? Because I am actually your equal? Because you did not marry someone you deemed beneath you this time. Because instead of making demands and threats I shared with you my feelings? I let you know when I felt disappointed. Did I put an unwanted mirror to your face where you recognized your own shortcomings? You felt as though I was attacking you, that I was down on you, that you needed to be defensive and needed to escape. What was it I was really saying? What was it you were really hearing? Why the immediate defense someone who wanted to be on your side?
You were angry that Sue told your Aunt Karen and Uncle Jim about the problems you were having. I asked you several times, who else do they have to listen to? They "took her side" and you felt victimized. Your own blood did not understand you and blindly side with you. You felt you were left abandoned and the victim.
I remember one really bad time, where you wanted to annul our marriage shortly before we had been married a year and you were so upset that I thought you were worthless. You yelled at me about how your Dad and Sandy called you worthless. That Sue called you worthless. You yelled and cursed so much that Alyssa called my Mom to come and get her because she was scared. The whole argument stemmed from my waking you up to ask you something and then tell you I was disappointed in the fact that you said you would help me but you didn’t. We established the fact that I was wrong for waking you up but the whole molehill took a quick defensive mountain turn. What did I say? What did you hear? Who’s voice was echoing in your head? Who had victimized you into thinking you were worthless?
Sue took you back to court for not following the legal document you both signed. Granted it was a bad document. It was a bad choice to sign it and she manipulated you using the children to get you to sign it. But reality was, you signed it and must by law follow it. Again, you felt the victim.
The economy is bad. Jobs are being lost. You were laid off, twice. Again you felt the victim. I offered you a place to live. A house I was purchasing with a down payment from my mom. I did not ask you to help with bills. There was no need to complain because bills were getting paid. But your money went to Sue to pay her off. You could not provide as you would like to our house. Soon it was evident to you that this was not your house. You had no space in it that was yours. You were not, as you put it, "the master of your own home". Why? Why was it easier to be the victim instead of the equal?
I need to tell Alyssa’s father of your decision and I want to let you know. The response I received was, "Everyone else knows and is poisoned against me. Why not him too" You feel victimized.
McKenna and I have an accident. A friend asks you to come for your daughter but feels she has made a mistake and is distraught at the response she receives. You attempt to come but are told it is handled. When this decision is questioned or looked at in a negative light, you become the victim.
I have a concussion and am saddened by your lack of interest in our daughter. I chose not to talk to you at the time you call, but when I do not return you call, I have "blown you off" and you are the victim.
David comes to my house to look after me, he is not available as the party buddy and expresses his concern that you did not come to see McKenna, I do not know what transpired between you and he. I do not ask but it must have been something considering you feel you, "can not count on your friendship with David after what happened that weekend."
I tell you Caleb is upset at your actions and does not understand. You become angry questoning "how can he be mad at me, he has not even talked to me." True, but he knows what has happened, has an initial opinion and has heard nothing from you. But you are the victim.
Kenny is bewildered that you are not at Uncle Jim’s funeral. He does not accept the excuse of "my tires are bald and I have no money." He then finds out you have left our marriage and does not understand or agree. You feel you have no family, stating, "I never have and never will." – victim.
Jennifer writes expressing her sadness that you were not at her father’s funeral. She does not attack you; she asks pointed questions and is clear in her feelings. You do not know what to write because your initial reaction is negative.
You write to Alyssa expressing your fatherly love for her and that you are there for her to email or call anytime. She opens her heart to you, is honest in her feelings and how she sees your leaving our family. She suggested that you two start over. She ends her email with a statement of being open and honest with each other to rebuild the relationship and now the two of you can start. She receives no reply or any communication at all. Who is the victim?
How much are you going to deprive of yourself continuing to be the victim? How much are you going to deprive of your children?

2 questions that hurt March 1, 2005

Several times you have mentioned to me that I asked 2 questions that you did not need. "What if we were pregnant?" and "Do you think we will get divorced?" I have responded each time with sincere apologies for being so cavalier as to jokingly ask those questions because I was so sure. I was so sure that I would never cheat on you. I knew without a doubt that I would not get pregnant by anyone but you, because I would not be intimate with anyone but you while we were both committed to our marriage and relationship. I knew I was late with my period. I knew I had not been with any man but you since December 9th, 2000 and I knew the only way I could possibly be pregnant was your vasectomy did not take completely. I did not take into effect that you even having the vasectomy was a very personal decision made by you (us) and not made very lightly. Your vasectomy, I believe was harder on me than on you emotionally. I had said to you that, "choosing to not have anymore children was different than not being able to have anymore."
I knew without a doubt that I did not wanted to get divorced again. It is a failure I did not want to live through or make our children live through ever again and I more than anything wanted McKenna to be told the truth each time we told her her parents would always be together. That she would not have to live through a broken family. I was sure. And when I told you Sunday and the other times you asked me about those questions, I was sure my answer was right.
I have thought about it very intently since then and how Dr. Crosscope had said to you that when people make comments like that, it is to ease their own conscience. Well, she and I are both wrong. Looking back, I did ask those questions for a reason and I was not as sure as I thought I had been. I was looking for you to reassure me about not being able to have children anymore. I know that physically I can and I know that realistically I do not want to have anymore. I am happy and overwhelmed with the four we have. But just knowing that I definitely will not experience the miracle of being pregnant again (and you know how I enjoyed being pregnant) was something I needed your reassurance to help me feel OK about. Assurance that our family and I were enough. We needed nothing else. I also know now that I needed your assurance that you knew we would not get divorced. I was not looking to ease my conscience with either question. I was looking to my best friend to tell me he felt the same way I did and that we were OK. But you can’t read my mind, and looking back at it now, I was unsure of why I was spewing out such insensitive questions. I should have just asked you for what I needed instead of hiding behind false securities.
I am sorry that it made you question and doubt me and our relationship so much that you could not be forthcoming with me to ask directly what you needed either.

Written 02/02/06


Aaron,
I understand not wanting to have to pay someone back. I know you do not want things to be this way, but it is the life you chose. In spite of everything I am still willing to work with you. I understand that it is difficult to not be distracted by that pesky mosquito that is buzzing around your head when you are trying to do other things, and I realize you can not get blood from a stone, (yes here it is the big BUT) BUT... Aaron you are tearing yourself, your kids and the people who love you apart and for what? Centering your happiness and life around money is getting you nowhere. I know you do not want to hear this and I am not kicking you when you are down. On the contrary, I have offered tools and support all along, it is up to you what you choose to do with them as anything that you have or might have access to. Love does not cost a dime. Let people in to care, you do not always have to do it alone even though that is what you are used to. And ask yourself where has it really gotten you anyway? If you continue like you are, running away, blaming others, hiding from responsibility, you will continue to hate yourself. It won't get better, it hasn't gotten better in the past year +. Forget me, forget our marriage, our child and our family .... this is about you and I do not want to see you do this to yourself. Stop hurting yourself and spiraling downward. There is more to life than money. And you do not keep yourself from being hurt or hurting others by denying yourself connectedness.
I do not expect a response from this, we have not ever really "TALKED" about what is going on since the day you chose to not try to be a family you once committed yourself to. We hide from confrontation and try to burry it but it does not work. You have chosen to turn away from commitment, responsibility, and love and focus on yourself and money. You can blame me for being mean by writing this, I do not mean it to be, it is out of concern for you and love for Katie, Chris and McKenna. I told you many people have abandoned you, I think even you have to some extent, but I won't and you called me crazy.
Find help Aaron, walk into your local church, contact a Cindy see if there are counseling services at no charge through some facility with her or with someone else. Money does not buy happiness. Your children are your future and they need you and love you whether you owe or don't owe anyone. But they will feel abandoned as you did when you were a child each time money gets in the way of being with their Daddy.
I will listen to your response if you want to share one or anything else.
I still believe in you.
Crazy (Beth)