Why don't I ever learn? Why don't I ever see red flags and when I do, why don't I ever heed them? All the way back to when I first introduce my daughter to you, letting you in, and you have Lori in your bed when you thought I couldn't be. Or when I tell you honestly, that as much as it breaks my heart to do so, I need to not see you anymore and spend all my time focused on Alyssa (and you know the reason why). And you got on AFF to fill the void. At least you were honest about it that time when you showed up in my yard to tell me you missed me and did not want to lose me. Months go by and communication decreases. I get stood up for dates. I get put off. And one fight, one time I actually allow myself to be angry about being treated badly, it is right back to AFF. I apologize for my snap behavior out of anger and hurt. Although this time, you get caught. I find the AFF connection by accident. What happens? You put passwords on your computer, you never apologize and actually tell me it is my fault you got on it again. You complain that you have no money yet you purchase a membership on AFF. PURCHASE. I try to share with you how that hurts me and it is dismissed. I don't think you really understand how much the gold necklace with the Unk means to me or how much it meant to me to give it to you. And when, where and how I found that you were not wearing it, how devastating that was. When I burst into tears after noticing it was gone and asking you if it was really over, why did I continue to hang in there even after you said "I think so". And then to see the necklace hanging on the wall, now I don't even know where it is. You asked for time and space so I gave it to you. And would be right there for you each time a "Hello" game across my phone after days of silence. All the while text messages were on your phone from women you have met on AFF continue to come in. When I asked about it, somehow it was my fault.

I feel shut out. Life decisions are made but not made together. Choices are chosen, but not together, miles will be traveled but not together. A new life will be started but not together. Again, I am left behind to clean up the emotional mess my children and I have. When will I learn?

So now you are moving. In just over 12 hours you will leave to go 3000 miles away (when you can do the same program only 600 miles away) but it is to prove something to yourself. To stand on your own to feet, you say. To make something of yourself.
To grow up.

A job, schooling, money does not make you a grown up. It does not matter where you are or if you are alone or near a support group. Becoming a grown up, a man who can stand on his own two feet and have something to offer someone begins by taking responsibility for your choices and acknowledging the consequences those actions have on people close to you. A person can not be selfish and be a good parent or partner. We can go to school all we want, go as far away as we want. Maybe why I don't learn is because I still believe the greatest thing, you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return.

Just once, just once couldn't you have put your arm around me and say,"it is going to be OK" Just once?

Why is it when you tell me how you feel, you are being honest and I listen. When I try to tell you how I fee, I am trying to make you feel guilty and you walk away. I cry and you walk away, not once, yes more than once.

You say you care but your actions scream you don't and you know what is said about actions.

Hey,

I really gotta quit getting my feelings hurt. I guess I just miss the kind, complimentary, interested Chad that I fell in love with that I long for him when I meet the apathetic, disinterested Chad of today. I hugged you and asked what you thought about some time alone and you shrugged an answer that felt like you really were not interested in time with me. I get my feelings hurt and you don't seem to want to reach out to let me know you are interested, you do care, we matter to you. It is just flat. Is it me or the depression or do you really not want this relationship anymore? All questions to roll up and place in a bottle to throw out to sea cause I won't get an answer. I have asked before and gotten no real answer or you don't know what you want. I won't ask anymore. Well, not directly to you, just here. I can't get my feelings hurt from the answer since you won't read it to answer.

I was hoping that when I got home, you would be here. For if you were, standing here, wanting to hug me, tell me everything is going to be alright, it would let me know that you feel we are worth making an effort for. We rode home in silence, so much I wanted to say but no longer feel I can share my own feelings anymore. So much is left unspoken, even nice things. Your mom told me I looked nice, that she liked my hair. Susan commented that I looked nice and that my nails were pretty. But you didn’t seem to notice me. Twice, I made intimate advances, once in conversation of what I was wearing and once directly to your hand. No real response to the first,(so I then made a joke) and with the second, you handed it back… sometimes words are not needed to convey feelings. You even played the song the other day, "You Say it Best When You Say Nothing at All". Unfortunately no words speak clearly in ways other than the song refers to.

I told you I was trying and you asked "trying what?" Part of my answer was “that you matter” I did not mean just to me. That YOU really matter in life everyday. It breaks my heart that you are shutting out all the positive changes you have made over the past two years and it was when you started to shut them out that the depression came back to attempt to overtake everything. I want so badly to tell you to not let it, to fight it, to fight for us, more importantly to fight for you. I want to remind you and know you will take it in open mindedly, to be strong in the Lord, never give up hope. I have always known you are going to do great things. Don’t live life in fear and everyday that you are here take some time and pray, thank God everyday, love will find a way if you believe. But I am not strong enough to say it outloud to you. I fear the door shutting from you tighter when I do make reference to having faith and holding on. One more negative emotion taking hold and stealing from us.

I sat, like an idiot in the car after you kissed me on the head and walked away, without a glance back. I don't know if I sat there wanting to matter enough to you for you to ask why my feelings were hurt, for you to be interested enough to want to talk to me like you used ti, or if I was sitting there afraid to leave not sure if I would be gone once I left. I even let you know, i know not is so many words, that I was still there. Maybe not clearly enough to convey that I was still there, believing I would matter enough for you to want to be there for me when I was hurting. I have tried to be there for you the past two years, more over the past 6 months. Asking how you are, why you feel that way, ready to listen and I have heard you tell me there is no us but have not wanted to believe it.

I was hoping when I got home, you would be here. But you weren’t.