Written 4/7/05

I have had so much projected onto me that I feel like a movie screen! :) There is a part of me that wants to send Aaron, My dad and David all of my emails and passwords and say - OK read. Read all the emails to each other,to family to anyone you want to read the to and from emails. I have nothing to hide. I am not Evilene. I have tried to be supportive. I am NOT MaryLeslie, I am NOT Sue or any of the people that abandoned Aaron, I am NOT my mom! I am NOT the typical B woman! My initials may be BW but I am NOT one! . . . and I try very hard to not be one and be understanding and fair. Actions are supposed to speak louder than words. I have not had any negative words. The words are rolling around between three negative men that have had hurtful experiences. I did not ask for this. I did not ask Aaron to leave, yes I told my Mom I asked him to leave but that was to protect David and Aaron. I am NOT looking for a reconciliation of our marriage right now, I would just like to be able to talk to him with out adding stress, anger, or additional hurt to either of us, him or me. Mind-boggling. What have I done that gives off this impression? I do believe that perception may not be reality but it is something you have to deal with.

Written 3/18/05

OK tell me if I am over analyzing. I was reading this morning from my "Letting Go" book. It talks about boundaries etc...Anyway, I was reading about letting go in love and a passage said that:"When people going through strife do whatever it is they feel they are compelled to do, they are not saying they do not love you - they are saying they do not love themselves. Gentle people, gentle souls walk a path in love.... There are times we must be firm and assertive or angry to set boundaries for ourselves but this is not permanent, the boundary is but not the negative feeling.... People can not afford emotionally to stay resentful. It is difficult to have compassion for someone we perceive is victimizing us."I was thinking this pertains a lot to Aaron. He is being very forceful in negative emotions - cold, uncaring, selfish -to set the boundaries he needs - being on his own to fix himself.I also wonder if this is why there is no compassion for me at this time. Aaron has told me he felt like I got pregnant and trapped him in this marriage, that I am the reason for all the strife he has gone through with losing jobs, bankruptcy etc. I suppose he feels victimize by the loss of jobs, income, bankruptcy and Sue and transfers that to me. Hence the lack of compassion.OK am I off my rocker or grasping at straws. I am not trying to make excuses or false hope but trying to understand and not blame me so much.