Revelation by Third Day

I went to church yesterday,early as I had to teach Sunday School. In the middle of the lobby I saw Ms. Betty. McKenna of course went to hug her and she beamed with the joy that McKenna hugs bring. He smile faded as she looked at me and I started to crumble right there in the middle of the lobby. She took McKenna into the classroom, let someone know I was there and would be right back to teach and we stepped into a small room. Immediately down on her knees she went in prayer. What a prayer warrior she is. She prayed for me, for you, that God would hold you in his protective hands, that he would take my tears. I did not need to say a word, her prayers were as if God were telling me He was there. From where else would the words come? By the time she stopped praying, my tears had stopped. She asked me what was wrong and I just could not bring myself to say for fear the tears would begin again. I needed to have faith that her words would be true in all else she prayed as it was in God taking my tears. I have not cried since. And today on the way to school listening to the radio, as soon as I got in the car I heard Casting Crowns, Voice of Truth and I smiled. As I rode down HWY 11 I heard Third Day, Revelation, and God promise of "do not rely on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" is very true. He will take your tears as he did mine. I am not to try to understand on my own but trust in Him and he will make my path straight. Then again, it was Mac Powell singing! :)

I think I am working through the various stages of loss.
At first I was in denial not wanting to face that you had left, even though you were still physically here. Not wanting to hear you when you spoke cold words or your actions spoke louder than words. I have written about various situations where the caring compassionate person that I thought you were became selfish and inconsiderate - and I blamed the depression you were experiencing.
Then I just felt empty and hurt after you left and it felt like you disappeared. Yes, I knew where you were/are but you did not contact us, respond to messages, phone calls, text, etc. It hurt to be neglected and ignored.
Then I started the bargaining. Yes, I can be your friend. Asking you if you loved me. Then sending messages and making comments that eluded to sex (something I fall back on to get attention and you use to feel good about yourself). But it does not work. You were the first person I gave my soul to. The strand of three you believed in, you, me and Christ together... I equalled that by giving my mind, body and soul. Oddly enough it was our time together spiritually as well as intimately that made me realize that I truly loved you. That I felt the oneness that I had always looked for, I felt with you.
I started to feel you and I were a family together one that was safe to include the girls in.
I can handle heartbreak and know where the healing will come from and help is there or me. The girls will have things in their lives they will look forward to and the same healing will be there for them. But the thing that hurts me the most is not that you left, not that you found your days passing by so fast and full that there was not room for us but that you turned your back on God. When your faith was tested, instead of remaining stead fast and building your faith, you gave up. I will walk the steps of loss, the girls will grow in their own lives. Would we prefer to do it with you? Yes but only if you can turn back around. Even if you can, and you do not find yourself in a family with us, I hope you find yourself knowing the only family that will always love you and and never leave you, no matter how many times you turn your back on them is that real strand of three ... father, son and spirit.

Love is not a fight

Warren Barfield

Love is not a place
To come and go as we please
It's a house we enter in
Then commit to never leave

So lock the door behind you
Throw away the key
We'll work it out together
Let it bring us to our knees

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

To some, love is a word
That they can fall into
But when they're falling out
Keeping that word is hard to do

Love will come to save us
If we'll only call
He will ask nothing from us
But demand we give our all

Love is a shelter in a raging storm
Love is peace in the middle of a war
And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door
No, love is not a fight but it's something worth fighting for

I will fight for you
Would you fight for me?
It's worth fighting for

I hear this song all the time on HIS Radio. It is from Fireproof. When I hear Warren Barfield sing, "I will fight for you, would you fight for me?" I always wonder, why you wouldn't. You say it is not me and I am coming to believe you. But in saying it, it does not mean that it erases the hurt or the fact that our relationship was you and me together so what in my heart, what was you, was me. Love is not a fight, and I found that I was fighting you for our love. I am worth fighting for, we were worth fighting for, you are worth fighting for, at least to me. But I would have kept losing the fight, as we lost our relationship, because you have yet to recognize, you are worth fighting for for yourself. I hope you do and then enjoy all that love has to offer.

Happy Valentines Day

I think I sunk to a new low today. I sent you a text message about begging you to please respond and let us know you were still out there. A yes or no would be fine. And then I asked if you still loved me and the girls. Like a modern day passing of the note "Do yo like me check yes or no" in the age of technology. You text it and wait for an answer. But an answer did not come.
Most of the time I am fine. I am working out, eating better, losing weight. Working, the house is cleaner and I am getting stuff done. I even went through all the mail and made phone calls to various companies checking on my bill status etc trying to get a better handle on finances. But then I think of you and my heart breaks. You won't answer the phone, or return a phone call. You won't return a text message. Is it the depression or am I just so dense that I do not see that you have broken up with me, not in words but in action. You tell your mom everything is fine and you are calling me on your way to school. Is it fine? What are you doing? What do you want? You said you would not disappear. You said no matter what you would be my friend. I am at a loss.

When did it become ok for men to not take responsibility? Really? Between Chad not returning phone calls, Steven not showing up for dinner with his daughter and not even calling her while she sits in the restaurant and Aaron blaming me for his misfortunate finances and unable to see his daughter you would think that nothing would surprise me but alas!
It snowed this weekend and froze again turning everything to ice. Lauren is uncomfortable driving in the snow and did not have any food in the house for her and the boys considering that Chris likes to spend his paycheck before he even receives it. I took food over to her and was helping her out at her house some.
I drove to Walmart to get her a few things she needed and before I could even get in the store, she was calling me to come back immediately! So I got back in the car and headed back. When I got there the police were standing in her living room, the first thing I saw was Chaplin. Oh Crap, Chris has been in a wreck and is dead somewhere. But NO! Back last summer when he was home, he took her check card and took money out her account without telling her. A check bounced that she wrote since she did not know the money was not in there. He was going to take care of it.
On MLK Day she was going through a basket of mail that Chris has put aside the last time he was home before Christmas. In it she found a letter addressed to her about the check and how she needed to take care of it before a December 18th or suffer a $1000 fine and possible 60 days in jail. It was already January 18th. She called the number on the list several times that week to rectify the situation. She got no one nor did they return her call.
Well today they come to arrest her for the bad check. They actually took her away in the car, fortunately they did not handcuff her in front of the children, waited to get her to the car. Fortunately I was there and Alyssa was on her way over. Fortunately I had just gotten paid my paycheck and mentor pay on Friday. Fortunately the icy roads were ok for me to get to the back and get cash. Fortunately the magistrate only charged her the cost of the check and fees not the $1000 and I could pay it.
She called to tell him and he did not answer. He did not call her back until after I had left. Can you believe he told her to quit living in the past, it was done and over move on. It happened just this afternoon! He took no responsibility for any of it, none for her being in that situation. None for needing to rectify it. No responsibility at all and even got mad at her for talking to her parents about.
I really do not understand the male mind, or should I say the immature male mind?

I spent a lot of time talking with Lauren tonight. She stood in my kitchen and said over and over again that it was OK to be mad, it is ok to be mad, you have the right to be hurt and mad Beth. He has betrayed you, betrayed your trust, and abandoned the friendship. I have to wonder was she saying it so I would get mad and stop suppressing my feelings while making excuses for you? Or did she really mean it? I think actually the first, well I prefer to think the first as I don’t want our friends to think that of you. We went to get a pizza for the kids because they were hungry and to get me out of the house. I did not want to cry anymore in front of McKenna, she says I cry too much. And I certainly did not want to cry in front of Alyssa. I am afraid she will hold it against you.

Why are you doing this? Why are you ignoring contact I attempt to make? Why are you neglecting me, us, the girls? Your mom says “well he’s not talking to me either” No offense, I told her, but you are his mom. You should want to talk to me. You should want to connect with me, find out what is happening at home, with us, talk to me, hear my voice, tell me you miss me, hear me say I miss you too. That is what people who love each other do when they are apart. But you don’t.

Which naturally leaves me to question if you do love me, the girls, and the idea of having a family together. You said you do. You said you were not disappearing. You said you would never hurt me. Is any of what you said true anymore?

What are you doing? I wish you would tell me. I will listen. Hear you and try to understand. But being ignored and left in the dark hurts and is scary.

I believed you when you told me two years ago this month, that you wanted what I have, a life together, that you would not hurt me that way again. I believed you, believed in you, saw something in you that told me believing in you was right. I trusted you and invited you into my life, the lives of my children, my heart.

Now, you have disappeared from our lives and my heart hurts.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I have to wonder about that. Is it because when people who care about each other are away from each other, they send sweet cards and letters, emails to remind each other they are missed and loved, or have phone calls to connect and talk because the other person is not right there to take for granted? Sure all those nice things would make the heart grow fonder.

But what if no cards and letters are sent? No emails to remind someone they are missed and loved? No phone calls are made or returned to connect and talk. What happens to the heart then?

You have been gone for almost three weeks now and what I thought would happen is. For over 6 months you increasingly became distant, depressed, and treated our relationship as if it had less and less importance to you. I hung in there. I still am. Several times you have referred to still being my friend. Well, friends don't treat friends with the disregard I have experienced (not returning phone calls or even answering them, ignoring text or picture messages, not responding to emails) this is not a friendship you seem to want to put any energy or effort into and I have to accept that it is not my fault. When I share my feelings, I am told I am trying to make you feel guilty. Well, I am sorry you feel guilty but it is not me that is making you feel that way. You know what you are doing is wrong. You know your lack of communication is hurtful. You know that treating someone with such disregard and then saying you love them is about an oxymoron. Your guilt is not my issue and if you choose to distance your self. not longer communicate with me or the girls then that is your choice but it is something you will have to deal with on your own as actions have consequences, good or bad.

Do not say you don't understand how Aaron can be so absent in McKenna's life, maybe now you can explain it to me as you do it like he does.

Do not criticize Chris for making decisions without thinking of Lauren and the boys, recognize him as being selfish, or be disappointed in his lack of involvement in his families life. At least he calls daily to attempt a connection.

Steven used to tell me, "I did not mean it that way so you should not take it that way" when I tried to share my feelings with him. With you, I share and you hide, ignoring any additional communication. Sure, look the other way, don't respond to the text, don't try to make things better for you and us. Maybe one day, when you turn around it won't be there and you won't have to deal with my feelings anymore. But you will always have to deal with yours.

Do not tell me you are not disappearing. You can be angry when I say it feels like you are or have been for months now, but who are you really angry at? Me for saying it to you hurt because I believed you when you promised you would never disappear or you knowing you have broken that promise and really are but not sure how to stop yourself or even understanding why you are doing it.

What is all this for? Is it more self sabotage? More proof to only you that you are not worth good things, love, family, success but a failure. The only one that thinks you are is you. It is just time for me to stop allowing myself to keep hurting about it. This is not my issue, you are not mine to fix, you are someone I love, this is a relationship I hold dear but love should not hurt and I can not keep allowing myself to be hurt by your behavior.

Mistakes are truly mistakes if you did not learn anything from them. You have called your self a dumbass for things you did in the past before knowing me. Did you learn anything? Are you going to be a dumbass again?